Wednesday 3 February 2010

Jacket In!

Spring fashion: What’s got my attention… and what’s got my goat

I’m 25, a quarter of a century, and I’ve only six weeks left before my next birthday which I’m not looking forward to.  Quite aside from the pain of reminding myself that it’s a case of one more year wasted, I’m officially a year older and I've still made less progress in my worthless, paltry existence than a monkey sitting a driving test, my main issue is how out of my control it all is.  Rather than the milestone or rite of passage people credit it to be, age just sort of becomes me, and there’s nothing I can do about it – I wasn’t ready to be a 16-year-old when I turned 16, I wasn’t ready to be a 21-year-old when I turned 21 and now the impending shock of hitting 26 is one that can only be equalled by immersing myself in a vat of freezing water as a 6”rusty nail is jammed into my head, coupled with an electric current of 5000 volts whilst enduring a drip-torturous soundtrack of UK Garage.

Further insult was added to injury when I came across an article called What not to Wear Beyond your Teens , which asserts that anyone aged 20 or older has no sartorial rights to skimpy shorts, midriff-baring tops, miniskirts, “loud” hair accessories, oversized handbags, neon or plastic jewellery, low-cut jeans, slogan t-shirts, high stiletto heels, cleavage on show, sequins and glitter or – my favourite sanction – “dramatic” patterns, lest they should look like mutton dressed as lamb.  Yes, that’s right, kids – stop the press immediately, get Anna Wintour for me on line 1 and send out a red alert to the British Fashion Council.  All these years they have, in fact, been quite mistaken in gearing celebrity-tinged directional trends towards the young professional woman… news reaches us that they’re meant only for those on a minimum wage of £3.60 an hour, who barely even qualify for a basic student debit card and only half of whom are over the age of consent… you heard here first.

With the tone of a pre-menstrual authoritarian headmistress, and a choice of words like; “Enough is enough,” and “tone down the sparkle for more demure attire” this article really is a great read for anyone who wants to dress so far down they make Ann Widdecombe look like Lady Gaga!  My personal howler of choice would be: “(Avoid) Message (and) Slogan T-shirts: Let the teens communicate their angst through slogans, phrases and coloured drawings on their t-shirts. Wearing ‘Kiss Me I’m Irish’ or ‘Blondes Have More Fun’ can err on the side of tacky in your twenties.” …Personally, I wouldn’t agree – I’ve seen guys knocking 40 at rock clubs in T-shirts reading “Dead Girls Don’t Say No” and I think it rather gives the place character!  As regards the article, both narrow and contrived in the choice of examples, how I revel in the irony that the author neglected to mention my Tee slogan of choice: “I’m sorry.  You must think I value your opinion!”

I love my wardrobe full of printed hearts, skulls, tattoos, roses and motorbikes, insane heels, studs, rhinestones, miniskirts, costume jewellery, half shirts, hipsters… and steel cap-toed New Rocks just in case I should have the misfortune of meeting that evil writer!  (Honestly, I’m not violent *adjusts straitjacket*)  I’ve still got one remaining issue with its content, though – my lack of winter clothes…

I’m not short of jeans, long-sleeved tops or jackets, yet I always find myself shivering to the point of convulsion from November through to March without fail, and feeling like the darkest, outer-most reaches of Antarctica are small game in comparison to the science-defying lows of my freezing body temperature!  So I have to wear my coat indoors, which always makes my mum stare in disbelief before adding: “Put on something snug – like a fleece!”  I hate fleeces with a passion.  Fleeces are dull, shapeless and add about 3 stone to your shape.  Fleeces are what ramblers wear with cagoules and wellies to trawl the Outer Hebrides in conditions mankind wasn’t evolved to withstand, or what your mum wears to do the gardening in because she doesn’t want to ruin anything nice!  I wouldn’t de seen dead in one, let alone choose to own one…

…But I definitely would like to get my paws on Balmain’s military jacket and Burberry’s new trench coat (Below)

As if by magic, these hot hot houses have come up with designs which are not only suitable for all ages, but for all weather conditions.  I’d even be prepared to compromise and wear a revolting fleece underneath, so I can brave the winter cold and yet still look spring fabulous.  So, coming to an IP address near you, the Chic Cheat solutions for both.  Stay tuned… and stay beautiful.  Ciao, darlings!

Coming Up: A Mac Job - get the look of the new Burberry Trench Coat!

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